A fellow enters a barbershop for a shave. As the barber is lathering him up the man complains, "I never seem to be able to get a close enough shave in the cheek area." The barber says, "I have just the thing," and produces a small wooden ball from the drawer. "Place this between your cheek and gum." The fellow does so and gets the closest shave he has ever had. Through garbled speech he asks, "But what if I swallow it?" "No problem," replies the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." _________________ The Coin of destiny is not your friend and is not to be trusted.
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And I am too _________________ The Coin of destiny is not your friend and is not to be trusted.
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Q: What was the last thing the Cumbrian taxi driver's wife said to him?
A: "Can you shoot up the high street and get us a pint of milk?" _________________ The Coin of destiny is not your friend and is not to be trusted.
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