I'm a bit late but have just got round to taking down my Christmas lights and realised I wasn't sure whether or not they offended my Muslim neighbours. So just to be on the safe side I've painted 'Allah is a Tim.' on my garage door! _________________ The Coin of destiny is not your friend and is not to be trusted.
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It is my left breast and its feckin sore"!"!
but doc says Paracetamol and Iboprufen will take edge off the pain................................(or did he say Alcohol, i forgot)
Anyway hows about an Irish joke.
Paddys login password for work is, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, Mickey, Pluto, Minnie, Dublin.
Hi Boss says "why the long password"?
Mickey says, "well IT department told me my password had to contain 8 characters and one capital"
And now for a funny Irish joke.
3 Irishmen are drinking in a bar when Paddy says
'My local is better than this. You buy two drinks and the third one is free.'
Mick counters this
'In my local, you buy one drink and get the second one for free.'
Paddy nods approvingly but Murphy says
'Dat's nothing in my local you buy the first drink then the second, third, forth an fifth are free, then you go out the back and get shagged!'
'Wow' says Mick 'Has that acctually happened to you?'
'No' says Murphy' But it did happen to my sister....' _________________ The Coin of destiny is not your friend and is not to be trusted.
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A man dreamt one night that he had written Lord of the Rings. When he woke up the next morning he realised that he'd just been Tolkien in his sleep. _________________ The Coin of destiny is not your friend and is not to be trusted.
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A gay man walks into a rough bar in Liverpool. Sees a huge musclebound Scouser by the bar. Has several drinks to build up his courage, then goes up to the huge Scouser and asks him if he wants a bl*w job. The Scouser picks the man up, carries him outside and gives him a serious kicking. The barman asks "what was that about?". The Scouser replies, "he asked me if I wanted a job" ... _________________ The Coin of destiny is not your friend and is not to be trusted.
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The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'
The man looks over at him,
smiles a small smile and nods his head. 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'
So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?'
Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Glaswegian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what pal?'
Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am
Jesus.'
The Glaswegian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pint of Buckfast for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis
I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is
completely gone. It's a Miracle!'
Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Glaswegian whispers.'Piss off pal, I'm on Disability _________________ The Coin of destiny is not your friend and is not to be trusted.
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How do you get a fat bird into bed?
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Piece of cake. _________________ The Coin of destiny is not your friend and is not to be trusted.
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International child aid is starting to arrive in Haiti after the earthquake has left 50,000 kids under 10 orphaned and alone to fend for themselves. USA are sending medicine and doctors, GB food and shelter while Ireland are sending 1000 priests on a holiday of a lifetime. _________________ The Coin of destiny is not your friend and is not to be trusted.
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After a disappointing defeat at Everton, Roberto Mancini has promised at least one new face at City. Jolean Lescott and Carlos Tevez are fighting over it already.
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